Setting the gnomes loose

It's 2:18am on a Tuesday morning and something is in the air.  At first I thought it was the heartburn from too many a margarita, but then a series of odd visuals began flashing through my head like those old carousel slide projectors.  Perfect moments from the last 2 months that appear to just reflect the forward march of time.  Yet, in hindsight they almost seem...serendipitous.


Is there a better word than serendipity?  Thanks to my good friends at Wikipedia I learned, "the word derives from Serendip the Persian name for Sri Lanka".  "...and was coined by Horace Walpole in a letter he wrote, It was once when I read a silly fairy tale, called the Three Princes of Serendip:  as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of.."   Made me stop and pause for a moment.  Things they were not in quest of....  Could it be that the highnesses just did not realize what they were truly seeking?


I heart...

• Gnomes
• My family & friends
• A perfect cocktail
• The alterations lady at Nordstrom who looked me in the eye and told me I looked beautiful in my new swimsuit.
• Laughing so hard that I snort and don't care
• The perfect hug---a real hug, the kind that someone truly folds their arms around you and pauses for a moment
• A mentor-- who in one quick gaze at your face in passing knows something isn't right---and takes time to listen
• My P90x workout--and the fact I can't raise my arms above my head to blow dry my hair
• A wife who patiently listens to the roller coaster ride of emotions and stories about my grand quest
• My HS classmate who asked me what would happen if I set the gnomes loose (#35 on The List)

My wife and I received the gift of 'Nomar the Gnome' about 5 years ago from my 2nd Dad--we'll call him Mr. M.  That's Nomar in the photo.  Nomar has been a very active member of our family.  You can usually find him tucked in bed with his head on the pillow, waiting to greet the most recent returning traveling.  Or accompanying us on special events, like milestone birthday parties (which is where he acquired that large crack in his head when I kicked him after a few too many beverages--i also heart super glue).  At the time I received Nomar I didn't know how much I would come to love gnomes and how much they symbolized perfect moments....and home.

A couple of months ago I crossed #1 off my list and put the most beautiful piece of artwork on my body.  At the heart of my tattoo is the compass rose, which ancient sailors used to guide them home.  So tonight, as I reflect on all of the serendipitous moments, could it be that like the highnesses from that silly fairy tale, I had discovered things that were not part of my quest?  Or, better yet, is it that I didn't know what I was truly seeking?  

I am setting the gnomes loose....   I think I am coming home.

The only thing you are promised is this day

Today I sent my sister a text, "I miss us.  I miss talking to you.  I miss feeling connected.  Do you feel it too?"  And I cried.  Full on in your face crying in a hotel restaurant in Memphis.  Tears of joy?  No.  Tears of sadness, not really....just the realization that #25 getting crossed off the list was a long time in the making.

How is it that we let 'life' get in the way of truly feeling?  Not just the celebrations, but the tragedies, and every single magical moment in between.  Perception, pleasing others, and the rules of engagement for the 'game of life' seem to get in the way.  I wonder how much of life we miss in this vanilla state of living?

Over the past few weeks, I watched one of my dearest friends go through the heartache of losing her beloved mother.  Watching one of the strongest, most courageous, and stoic people in my life go through this process was one of the greatest testaments of love I have ever seen.  She amazed me with her balance of resilience, grief, and love.  Present, in the moment, she managed every conversation and situation with grace and heart.  She is her mother's daughter.

Each day presents us with moments, magical moments that I choose not to miss.  Maybe it is a sibling reaching out and boldly supporting you in a new and different way.  Or through a friend using her beloved mother's sewing kit to teach you how to sew--just the way her mother taught her so many years ago.

The only thing you are promised is this day.  What are you doing with your day?

Just call me the Incredible Hulk

What do a tattoo studio, letterpress class, & swim lessons all have in common?  They are all things I get to look forward to crossing off my list over the next 30 days.  And, to aid my journey I am adding a dose of fearlessness (#8) to the mix…..  

Feeling fearless is something I am having a lot of fun with these days.  Who knew I had it in me?  I have never been more true to myself or had more fun in my life than I am right now.   It’s as if I have a little skip in my step and am feeling a bit sassy.  Not the arrogant or annoying kind of sass, but the kind that you feel when the world is your oyster and you can’t wait for a brand new day. 

The funny thing is that the exterior world has not given me a break this past year.  I have never been more pushed or challenged in my entire life.  The myriad of events that keeps coming my way is overwhelming; the death of our beloved Emma, a 275 gal oil spill flooding our beautiful home, the most challenging professional transition of my career, cancer invading the bodies & families of everyone I hold dear, and loneliness that takes my breath away when Ann is on the road.

Yet, despite all of this STUFF I have never been stronger or more certain that the best is yet to come.  My fearlessness is coming from a fire that is burning from deep within and it would take a hurricane to extinguish this flame.   Where is this fearlessness coming from?  I think I have found my answer….and that is love.  Pure , simple, true, from the heart kind of love.  The kind of love that was intended to be given and received in abundance, every minute of every day.  The more I approach every person, thing, and experience from a place of love the more fearless I seem to become.  I get a visual of the transformation of the Incredible Hulk…I know not pretty, but that’s how it feels.  It’s addicting, has a ripple effect, and is completely free of charge.  So cliché, yet so perfectly, perfectly true.  Why the hell didn’t I try this earlier??

I have a plan of action on a few fun things on my list coming up in the next month.  I will be conquering a regret (learning to swim), learning a beautiful art (letterpress), and indulging a lifelong dream (my 1st tattoo).  But, I have to tell you my favorite thing I am crossing off my list is #08!   

Summer Nights

Last night #34 (singing loudly and terribly out of tune) was crossed off the list thanks to the birthday festivities of my friend Laurie.  I almost missed the opportunity, conveniently not putting 2 and 2 together (list + karaoke machine + group of pals), but my friends have the minds of elephants and graciously shined the spotlight on the opportunity at hand.


Song of choice was Summer Nights from Grease.  Could there be a more campy tune?  Good news is I  knew all of the words and I still belted my heart into the microphone out when the cd stopped mid song.  No harm done, I had survived.  And then today, it hit me that it was no accident that was the song I would sing out loud.  


To say I wasn't in the 'most popular' category as a child would have been an understatement.  My parents moved our family to Brazil in January of 1978.   Attending a wealthy American school, as the child of missionaries was a bit tough to do when you were in the 3rd grade.  That entire school year I would come home crying and beg my mom to let us go back home.  I didn't fit in and it was brutal.


My first glimmer of hope came at the end of the school year when I was invited to a slumber party.  The theme was....you guessed it, Grease, and I couldn't have been more excited.  The event itself proved to be a bit overwhelming and a comedy of errors.  My trying to hard, coupled with being a bit of a klutz and breaking a valuable knicknack while we danced to...Summer Nights.  I remember replaying that evening in my head for months, reflecting on what I would do different if I got invited to another party.  My next invite didn't come until a year later.


32 years after that fateful slumber party, I stood surrounded by my dearest pals singing and dancing to that dreaded song.  I had a ball and wasn't really thinking (or caring) what anyone thought.  It was exhilerating.  As I cross #34 off the list, I am reminded there are no accidents.  We are given opportunities learn and heal ourselves every day.  Sometimes we just have to be reminded to pause a moment and look for those connections, they are everywhere....even in a campy song.

Large Marge....

This week I began work on two of My 40 Things (#12 and #20).  Wahoo right?  Yeah, not so much.  I could have written my post on Tuesday and moved along to the next item, but I didn't.  Instead I have come up with every excuse in the book to delay writing about #20.  Let's just say that my initial euphoria with my bold transparent blog has temporarily lost a bit of it's shine.


I decided that to successfully (and transparently) work on #20, I need to have a starting point to measure my success against.  What could possibly be a better way to start the week than stepping on the scales?  So on Monday morning, up on the scales I went.  And, after seeing the #'s displayed in all of their flashing digital glory, I concluded that Mondays weren't the best day to start a weigh loss journey.  Many a weight loss failure story began with a Monday, SO I should change things up again and pick another day.  I made attempts on Tuesday, on Wednesday, and on Thursday.  I took Friday off (it seemed like a good thing to do) and tried weighing myself again today.  And you guessed it nothing changed, the same #'s flashing in my face.  I seriously need a new scale--something kinder, without harsh digital light, and absolutely NO flashing.


Today, on February 27, 2010 I weigh exactly 188.2 lbs.  God I hate writing those numbers down.  And, I am sure you can imagine that taking the picture wasn't much fun either.  It seemed more manageable to avoided the scale and keep my secret.  But, that wasn't really working for me.  I have a million questions and excuses of how I got to this point.  And, as of today I am letting go of both.  No more excuses, 15lbs here I come!


To help me put things in perspective, I did a bit of research about 15 lbs and learned that:

• Snow weighs 15 lbs per cubic foot.
• Meryl Streep had to put on 15 lbs to play Julia Child in the movie Julie & Julia.
• The Beer Barrel Belly Buster burger, served at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, PA weighs in at 15 lbs.
• The largest facial tumor in the world was recorded at 15lbs.  THAT is just plain gross.

To help me lose my 15 lbs I am creating the perfect exercise/yoga sanctuary (#12).  I am SO excited about this space.  It's not in the corner of a room or something you have to move furniture around to be able to use.  It is a real, bona fide, dedicated workout room and construction should be completed in the next few weeks.  I have been dreaming about this space for years.  A space that is all mine.  

My weight has been an issue the past 15 years.  A roller coaster of ups and downs reflecting the significant milestones and tragedies of my life.  A mirror into the deepest parts of myself and my fears of openness.  So, how can I start conquering those fears...

Blogging about my weight for 1.67 billion internet users (Wikipedia, June 2009) to access might be a good start?

Let the countdown begin...

Today I begin this wacky experiment of mine. To create a list of '40 Things' I want to do before I am 40, fully complete each of the 'things' before the big day (August 28, 2010), and blog about the experience.

Why the list and why blog? I am not sure I can fully explain, but am hoping the process brings me some clarity along the way. There is something that has been going on internally as I approach the big 4-0 and I have been struggling to articulate what's happening. It's like there is static electricity in the air and I feel it everywhere I go. The anticipation of possibilities is so strong, it's overwhelming, scary, and yet unavoidable.

Is what I am going through unique for women approaching 4-0 milestone? Heck no. I truly think my story is really every woman's story. What is unique is that I am doing something outside of my character. I like things to be buttoned up, tidy, and pretty on the outside. For me to throw caution to the wind, be transparent, and a bit of a visible mess....is the most fearless thing I have done in a long time.

So here I go. I will blog about my experiences of crossing things off the list, the wins, the losses, the frustrations, the celebrations, and most importantly the chaos in between. You may not find this blog to be entertaining, well written, or frankly make any sense. And, I don't care. This is MY journey and not worrying about what others think is something I haven't done in a really long time.....

188 days and counting....

The List

40 THINGS I WILL DO BEFORE I AM 40

1. Get a tattoo
2. Write a ‘This I Believe Essay’ and send to NPR
3. Learn to have fun asking questions vs. having the answers
4. Learn to swim
5. Learn to drive a stick shift
6. Learn to sew a button & a simple hem
7. Kiss Ann in the rain
8. Be fearless—risk failure
9. Practice daily random acts of kindness
10. Give a microloan to a woman in another country
11. Smile @ strangers
12. Set up a yoga/exercise space in my house
13. Pack my lunch instead of buying it
14. Watch a sunrise @ Mt. Tabor w/Ann on our bench
15. Fall asleep in a meadow while someone reads me a story
16. Have a conversation w/God daily
17. Host a dinner party under the stars
18. Write down every hurt or resentment that still stings---and have an ending event to let them go.
19. Reach out and reconcile old friendships
20. Lose 15 lbs
21. List 40 things I like about myself
22. Stop hitting the snooze button
23. Stop working through lunch
24. Walk a labyrinth
25. Cry
26. Journal weekly
27. Eat a fresh fig
28. Take a letter press class
29. Read everything by Dr. Seuss
30. Fly a kite
31. Look for God everywhere
32. Leave mystery gifts on my co-workers desks
33. Spend an afternoon laying on my back watching the clouds
34. Sing loudly and terribly out of tune
35. Put lawn gnomes in my neighbors yards (when they aren’t watching)
36. Take a basic cooking class
37. List the 100 priceless moments in my life thus far
38. Write down my favorite daily Atticus moments
39. Have a monthly date w/my wife
40. Create a blog and share my journey crossing the 40 things off my list